I did not have a public meltdown

So the last time I went outside was to receive my depo injection from the depo clinic. I had gone 48 hours without sleep and I was wired on coffee. It is safe to say I was as high as a kite.

When I arrived at the depo clinic I was overwhelmed and could not go inside. I felt like everyone was looking at me and thought my legs were going to cave in. I was rambling a lot and even went a bit off the rails in front of the nurse from the depo clinic.

However when I got myself out today I did not have a public meltdown, for once. I got myself to a work meeting and held my cool. I did not only hold my cool but I felt cool and collected. I was a tad buzzed on coffee, but nothing over the top.

After this I actually got on a train and went all the way to the outskirts of the city centre (in a different city than the one I live in) and visited my friend in hospital. It was a good day to be completely honest and it actually felt good getting outside.

I did panic a little and end up skipping the 45 minute train home due to it being rush hour. Unfortunately for me that costed me a good £70 in a taxi. However I still feel like I handled going outside quite well, considering my previous public meltdown.

I am destined to die alone

Lately these thoughts come and go. The ones that tell me I am destined to die alone. I wish I could fight them with facts, but the fact is that I am destined to die alone.

My family are all I have. I have a big family but only really see my close family. My mum, dad, nan, uncle, auntie, and sometimes cousin. None of my other family members are in my life.

I had a boyfriend for four years who would break up with me whenever I had a manic episode. For some reason he stuck around for the depressive episodes. I guess manic me is hard to handle, which I cannot deny. However I broke up with my boyfriend impulsively over a month ago during a manic episode. Which I sometimes regret, but it is too late to turn back time.

I have some friends, who I do visit and talk to once in a blue moon. However they only speak to me if I speak to them first. I had a best friend who I could rely on but she killed herself, so now I have no one really.

I cannot see anyone putting up with my mood swings and instability which have been present for the past six years. I cannot see myself becoming stable enough to actually be in a relationship. I am also terrified of pregnancy so I cannot see myself having kids.

Due to all this, when my family all die, I will have no one left in my life. There is no happily ever after for me. Only a life of loneliness.

I have been brainwashed

So over the past few weeks I have been talking a lot about god on twitter. Not publicly, but in my DMs. Although sometimes my ramblings about god have been public.

One person in particular has been trying to sway me over to the religious side of life. At first it seemed innocent, while at the same time unbearable and overwhelming.

I avoided clicking on the videos of the 4 minute gospel I was sent etc and hoping for the best. However it got a lot worse when the person in question read my book.

A while back I had an experience with the ouija board. According to the person in question, me using a ouija board released a demon. Apparently this demon has been following me around since, encouraging me to act in certain ways. Everything mental health related that I am experiencing, is apparently because of this demon I have possessing me.

Now I am usually an atheist. However over the past 48 hours I have been in panic because I have been brain washed. This is not a mental breakdown. This is brain washing at its finest. I am terrified that this is the reality, that I am being haunted by a demon. However I am not completely gone in the head and cannot say that it is definite that I am being haunted.

In my moment of impulsivity I purchased a ouija board, three rosary beads, and angel tarot cards. They are all due to arrive within the next few days.

The only thing I can think of doing is trying to use the ouija board again (for the third time in my life) to see if it does or does not work. I am hoping that it does not work and I can go back to life as an atheist without worrying about demons.

However I am currently panicking so much to the point of not even wanting a ouija board in my house. Right now it is too late to cancel the order as it has already been shipped. I feel like the ouija board could go really wrong, but I suppose I have used it twice before and I am still here, alive and telling the tale of it.

Best friends are forever

I remember when we first met. I knew who you were but I had no idea you had ever acknowledged me, the shy girl too afraid to come out of her shell.

You randomly asked me to come to your house after school and everything in my head told me to say yes. That was the best decision I had ever made in my life because from then onwards a 10 year best friendship blossomed.

You did my hair for me and my makeup. You were into that kind of thing and I had never bothered with it before. I felt pretty for the first time in my entire life though.

We went out drinking and while we were drunk you showed me the scars on your arms and told me about your childhood. I was 14 and I did not understand the things you had gone through. I did not understand why you would hurt yourself.

I remember our one argument when some bitch tried to worm her way into our friendship. She was trying to poison us against each other with lies. We ended up outside the IT classroom crying our eyes out and saying how sorry we were for breaking off our friendship because of someone so devious.

We grew up together. We faced hardships and highs and lows together. We would get drunk and high off weed in your cute little flat every weekend. We did not need anyone else because we had each other.

We would bounce up and down on your sofa as if we were not 18 years old. We would crash from our highs and cry together and support each other through everything.

We did not need to go out drinking. We lived in our own little bubble in your flat. We slept outside in the rain on a swinging sofa and felt at peace.

We took endless videos and pictures of ourselves doing weird things while high or drunk or even sober as we both were quite unusual.

For years we lived, just the two of us, oblivious to the outside world.

It always plagued me though, what you told me about your childhood. To this day I do not know how to get it out of my head. I carry so much anger with me and hatred for those who tarnished your childhood. Those who took away my best friends happiness. Those who wiped away a 10 year friendship by leaving you in a state were you could not live anymore.

We were far from perfect. We both had our demons. However yours consumed you and I cannot imagine what you went through or how you survived all those years with what you carried with you. I just wish I could have stopped you from ending your life. I wish I could have erased your demons.

When I’m high

I felt like writing a blog post while high off weed. I wanted to express the way I feel and I feel quite good.

It is not always good though sometimes I am flooded with anxiety. Other times I become quite paranoid. This all sounds awful but the good feeling is worth the good feeling.

I feel like I often act weird when I am high and it makes me self conscious. I am even worried this blog post sounds a bit weird honestly

I know this blog post sounds serious but in actual fact I am laughing my head off because I have the giggles.

Do not try this at home.

Mental illness and demonic possession

During my first manic episode I experienced no hallucinations. I did not lose touch with reality. I was elated and going at 100mph but that is about it.

However somewhere along the line I became very paranoid about being haunted. In response to this I decided to do the ouija board to get to the bottom of it. Now I don’t remember this episode very well as it is a blur to me, but I do remember that the ouija board moved by itself. It was the first and only time I had ever experienced such a thing.

After this point I developed what the experts called delusions and hallucinations. I was being haunted by a ghost named Ben, the ghost I communicated with using the ouija board. He told me to do things and act on certain impulses.

I want given treatment in the form of an antipsychotic which erased the delusions and hallucinations I was experiencing. However since using the ouija board my life has been one train wreck after another. I have all of these bad impulses and thoughts, as though the antipsychotic erases the ability to hear Ben, but he still lives on inside my head. As a demon.

I am not saying I do not have a mental illness. What I am saying is that I messed with dark arts and there is a high chance that a demon is slowly but surely destroying my chance at happiness and a stable life.

I have no idea where to go from here. I have now downloaded the bible app on my iPhone which I will read nightly. I have ordered myself three rosary beads in order to protect myself from the potential demon I released using the ouija board.

There is a fine line between mental illness and demonic possession. While I do believe I have a mental illness, I do believe that I have crossed that line by messing with the ouija board and now I am paying the price.

Coffee sends me into elation

I remember the first time I tasted the bitter sweet aroma of coffee. I was on an antipsychotic at the time which made me feel extremely tired and exhausted. At the time I was drinking it to counteract that feeling, while not fully knowing what I was getting myself in for.

While the antipsychotic was erasing my symptoms of mania, the coffee was overpowering it and sending me into a manic state.

Somewhere along the line I became addicted to the elation that comes with mania. The spinning in my head. The impulsivity. The desire for a booming social life and bouncing off the walls to music.

Fast forward to now and I have developed a full blown coffee dependency. When I’m sad, I drink coffee. When my emotions are getting the best of me, I drink coffee. When I’m bored, I drink coffee.

Now here I am, after my fifth cup of coffee absolutely bouncing off the walls in my bedroom to loud music. I do often try to get my coffee intake under control and only have three per day. I try to remind myself of the crash that comes with the caffeine induced elation, but it is not enough.

Today is not a good day for controlling my coffee intake as I have felt the sudden pang of rejection, so I am currently trying to push myself into an elated state to drown out the sense of rejection.

However while coffee is currently making me feel quite on top of the world, the rejection I feel is still ever present.

I do wonder if I will ever reach a point in my life of having my caffeine intake under control. However I am just thankful that while coffee mimics elation for me, it does not push me over the edge into a delusional state.

One day I feel I will conquer this, but today is not that day at all.