I wish there was something I could do. Some way to go back in time and tell myself what I know now, how I feel, the regret I have.
I started self harming when I was around 19 years old. I had an eating disorder at the time and would cut my thighs because I thought they were fat. When my eating disorder left me, so did my need to self harm. My scars faded.
Fast forward two or three years and I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started self harming again while I was stoned. I cut my thigh and painted the walls with blood because I was delusional at the time and under the influence of weed.
This started the self harming patterns I seem to be stuck in while manic or depressed. I would cut to relieve the agitation I felt when manic. I would cut when low in mood as I thought it would help me. It never did help me, so I would cut even more, thinking that the next cut would help. This is how I have made a massacre of my arm and thighs.
The truth is though, it does not help me. Cutting has never helped me. It has only left me with way more than a handful of scars that, now that I am stable, I regret I created.
I do not know how to find peace with what I have done to my body. I look at my thighs and they are clustered with scars. My arms look like they have been butchered.
While these scars might fade, I hope that in time I find peace and accept my body how it is, with the flaws that I have created. However for now I fear judging eyes as my thighs and one arm is covered in pink scar tissue.