I remember the first time I tasted the bitter sweet aroma of coffee. I was on an antipsychotic at the time which made me feel extremely tired and exhausted. At the time I was drinking it to counteract that feeling, while not fully knowing what I was getting myself in for.
While the antipsychotic was erasing my symptoms of mania, the coffee was overpowering it and sending me into a manic state.
Somewhere along the line I became addicted to the elation that comes with mania. The spinning in my head. The impulsivity. The desire for a booming social life and bouncing off the walls to music.
Fast forward to now and I have developed a full blown coffee dependency. When I’m sad, I drink coffee. When my emotions are getting the best of me, I drink coffee. When I’m bored, I drink coffee.
Now here I am, after my fifth cup of coffee absolutely bouncing off the walls in my bedroom to loud music. I do often try to get my coffee intake under control and only have three per day. I try to remind myself of the crash that comes with the caffeine induced elation, but it is not enough.
Today is not a good day for controlling my coffee intake as I have felt the sudden pang of rejection, so I am currently trying to push myself into an elated state to drown out the sense of rejection.
However while coffee is currently making me feel quite on top of the world, the rejection I feel is still ever present.
I do wonder if I will ever reach a point in my life of having my caffeine intake under control. However I am just thankful that while coffee mimics elation for me, it does not push me over the edge into a delusional state.
One day I feel I will conquer this, but today is not that day at all.