For the past 6 years of my life I have been constantly fading in and out of stability and in and out of hospital. Some admissions were voluntary as I had capacity, whereas some admissions were sections as I did not have capacity.
However my latest hospital admission has sent me off the rails in terms of a structured routine.
For four months I was locked up indoors during a very manic episode with, at first, symptoms of psychosis. While early on during the admission I did not have permission to leave the ward, I did eventually move to a new ward were the psychiatrist trusted me enough to leave the ward 5x per day for up to 20 minutes.
During my time in hospital, when I was allowed to leave the ward, it was all I could think about. Nothing mattered to me more than being able to get some time outdoors and I did everything in my power to not mess the trust up with my psychiatrist. Unfortunately though, I did mess it up in the end and ended up having to stay on the ward for a further few weeks on two different PICUs.
Fast forward to now, four months after discharge, and I cannot for the life of me get myself back into some sort of structured routine. I am a member of society but I am not a functioning member of society.
When I was first discharged I did not leave the house much. However after some time I did work up the courage to get myself to the gym on a regular basis. This lasted for a couple of weeks. Then I began turning to substances to reach elation.
During my elated period I had a booming social life. I was out drinking a lot and partying and making plenty of impulsive mistakes. Most of which I regret now.
However lately I have been trying to get my substance issues under control with the odd blip here and there. My current state however is leaving me unable to leave the house or get myself into a functioning routine. After four months of being locked up in hospital, and a four month manic episode (which was my longest manic episode), I cannot figure out how to keep myself stable and become a functioning member of society again.
Currently I am not ready for work. I am not ready for the gym. I am no longer interested in having a booming social life. I do often wonder what happened to that girl in hospital who craved the outdoors? As the majority of my time now consists of looking at the four blank walls in my bedroom.