So for the past few hours I have been experiencing suicidal ideation. Now I have experienced it before these past few hours, but this time it has been amplified.
I have not just fantasied about dying or what life would be like if I were not here. I have came up with a 50/50 plan for my own death.
The truth is though, I know I do not want to die in reality. I do not want to leave my family or for them to feel the pain of losing a loved one. While at the same time I have gotten myself into situations that I do not know how to get out of.
I have a lot of pressure weighing on me about if I am going to keep my job or not. I have gotten myself into a financial disaster when manic and hospitalised that I cannot seem to get out of, and the bank refuse to offer any help to me.
I am at a loss because I have these plans that I cannot bring myself to cancel, knowing what said plans could lead to, yet I’m willing to do those plans anyway.
I will not go into detail of my plans but while they may go drastically wrong, they also may go quite right and I may end up having a good time instead of giving into my suicidal ideation. I guess it all depends on how the alcohol (and potentially drugs) influence my mood.
At the end of the day I have five days to wrap my head around how these plans will play out and five days for my mental state to improve. Who knows? I may even have a moment of clarity were I decide to stay home but until then I guess only time will tell.
I can 100% confirm that I do not want to die at the hands of my mental illness. Maybe I just need a few days for the blow of my financial crisis to soften and I may even start to feel better. I can only hope.
One thing is for sure. Suicidal ideation is a bitch and it confuses the hell out of me.